No baby, you are no burden. You are my blessing.

As I watched the Congressional hearings about the rise of Autism and our advocates holding legislators to the fire and trying to make them see the epidemic, I had mixed emotions.  It was like watching a sports game on TV, the difference being that this affects my life.  My family's life.  My children and most importantly, my Gideon.  Dan Burton made the comment 'these people (autists) are going to be around for 60-70 years, they aren't just going to be a burden on their families but on society.'  At that point, I had to walk away.  I couldn't watch anymore.  He called my blessing, the baby I prayed for months to conceive, the big guy with a bigger heart, the most sensitive and compassionate person in my family of 5, a burden? 

I will be the first to say that he is unique in his needs.  Sometimes he can't talk, he makes noises that hurts your ears, he flaps, he runs, he's big and heavy and requires me to carry him to the bus, but he's still my baby.  Bigger than me is a God that blessed me with Gideon.  He entrusted me with this person, and I will always search for the key to unlock his greatest potential!  I have studied Gideon from birth.  Learning baby language so he was always fed, changed, & comfortable with little to no crying.  I started signing to him at 3 months old and he argued with me at the age of 6 months about nursing in public using sign language (my mom can speak to that).  I believe Gideon is going to do something that will make him stand out above his peers.  His compassion is like no one else's.  He is very literal, which can be funny to us neuro-typicals.  He has learned how to joke a little, and he is getting more social.  This hasn't been easy for him.  It hasn't been easy for me or our family.  Is life ever easy?  Like the baby language, and sign language, I have made it my mission to learn how Gideon sees the world.  How he perceives it and to translate it for him and to him.  Then translate to the world what he is trying to say & do.  I won't be here forever so the therapies he receives are crucial to his development.

Gideon has begun playing team sports like soccer and basketball.  He isn't very coordinated (he's 5, weighs 60 lbs and I am unsure of how tall but wears size 7 clothes).  We don't expect him to be an olympic athelete, go to college on a scholarship or even want to play when he gets older.  We do this to expose him to social situations, with other people and children.  I didn't tell the soccer coach he has Autism, because he acted like the other 4 year olds.  I had to tell the basketball coach, because I noticed the coach wanting eye contact and even getting annoyed when Gideon wouldn't appear to be paying attention.  I don't fault the coach, this was MY teachable moment.  I got to tell the coach that although Gid doesn't look at you, he's listening because he wants your approval.  I told the coach that's the reason Nick or I go onto the court during practice and speak directly into his ear (no eye contact) because we want him to see what he needs to and we know he is listening.  The coach has changed the way he communicates with Gideon and both seem to be at more ease.

We want him to learn experiences first hand and to not have to attend a special class for these teachable moments with his peers.  It's uncomfortable at times and embarrassing, but we try to laugh off what we can and apologize for what we can't.  We are so proud of his progress, and he still has a way to go.  Academically, he is very smart and learns very quickly.  He is so sweet and wants to please adults.  When he is stressed, he stops making eye contact.  Being his Mom, I can tell when he is stressed before talking to him.  It's these times that I worry about the future.  His little brain creeps back into a shell.  He won't talk, he won't do much beyond his needs (bathroom, drink, eat).  I worry that as he grows about these times.  I worry that he won't be able to self soothe and have a  melt down.  At this point, Gavin and I are the only ones that can soothe him within a couple hours.  Gavin only being 11, knows to decrease stimuli, and hug him tight, whispering and sometimes singing.  Rub his head, pat his back and let him decide when to let go.

I don't feel like Gideon is a burden, he's my son, my gift, he's part of me.  I am working very hard to ensure that he will be able to drive, live independantly, keep a job, and be a productive citizen.  For him to be referenced as a burden, I can't do anything but shake my head.  I know Mr. Burton used the wrong words, he's human, I can see his intent and I forgive him.  My blessing needs a different kind of attention than other people's but it's not a burden.

Happy 5th Birthday Gideon

When I think about the path that I traveled to be blessed with Gideon, it is bitter sweet.  I remember being so depressed about losing a baby.  I was so upset and friends tried to console me by telling me about their experiences and how they were able to get pregnant before their next cycle, shortening their grief time tremendously.
This didn't happen for me.  I became so fixated on getting pregnant, because I wanted the pain to go away.  I felt like no one could relate to my pain and everywhere I looked I saw pregnant people.  I tried to be happy for them, I really tried.  Speaking silent prayers that they wouldn't go through what I had, and trying very hard to smile.  I knew I was being selfish, but I didn't know how else to feel.  I talked to my great friend Amy.  She and I had so many things in common, unfortunately, she too had experienced this type of loss.  She kept telling me that in God's time, we would get our blessing.
Before an accupuncture appointment, I took a pregnancy test.  I remember starting the test and jumping in the shower.  When I got out, I was stunned!  Two pink lines!  I asked Nick to verify what I was seeing, we were ecstatic!  Our very supportive Moms came to the first ultrasound to check viability of the pregnancy.  To everyone's relief, we had a growing baby.  With many prayers, Gideon Rush came into this world, very active.  He was the best baby, nursed then slept for 4 hours... He is still a great napper and cuddler.
Despite all the hardwork to get him caught up developmentally, he has taught me so much.  He has taught me to look at things from a different perspective.  To pay attention to what I say,  because so many things we say, we don't mean literally.  He has taught me to never under estimate him or his potential.  Sometimes it's hard being his Mom, because I want to protect his feelings.  I don't want him teased or picked on.  What I am learning from this is that he has to learn some of this on his own and not to assume that what offends me, offends him.  I can't shield him from everything, because he has to learn how to motivate himself.  He has to learn what to walk away from, and when something is worth fighting for, and most important, how to forgive.  I know with proper modeling he will learn all of these things.  I believe wholeheartedly that he is going to do things that I can't even imagine and be the change that we all want in the world.
I am so lucky to have Gideon and although my heart was broken, I had to endure the pain to appreciate what I have.  God's timing and blessing is/was so perfect.  So, to my Gid, I love you more than you know and I will always be here when you need me. 

Happy Father's Day--Tribute to My Dad

Father's Day, makes me proud of the men closest to me... My Dad, Husband and Brother

  My Dad, the meanie that made me learn how to change a tire and my car's oil on my first car, before enjoying the freedom of driving.  I remember him telling me, about my car, "this is a machine, not a toy, you can kill someone."  Taking the time out of his busy life to talk to me about hard work, savings, insurance and retirement.  He's been there through all my hiccups in life, sometimes not saying much but being present.  All the times I have been in the hospital, he's been there.  Before work, after work, asking questions and being the calm amongst my storm.  He's got the calming effect on me, I hope to be this for my boys.  He was soccer coach, softball coach, advisor, and still answers when I call him about repairs around the house, my car or kid advice.  It's funny to see him  with my kids, so different as a grandparent.  His eyes light up when they're in the room.  He laughs, almost constantly.  He talks to each of them, to understand them.  He comes to their birthday parties, school events, fundraising for Autism, and recreational sports.  If I had to say one word to describe my Dad, it would be PRESENT.  He was present in the past, present, and I know I can count on him in the future.

I can't express in words how much Dad means to me.  I hope I make him proud, and can be the parent he was to me. I love you Dad!

Painful to watch

It's painful to see when Gideon tries to "fit in" and be part of the group how he says things inappropriate.  Or, someone tries to tease him and he doesn't understand the joke and overeacts.  Then the adults of the group get on to him, give him strange looks and ultimately ignore him.  It's painful because I can't help but wonder if this is what his future holds?  A future of correction, re-direction and being pushed to side because he isn't capable of being 'normal' in conversation or social situations.

I don't know what to do to make this better.  I have tried to educate the family and my friends.  It's just hard when the people we see daily that aren't family treat him better than his own family.  Our neighbors are more understanding than his aunts and uncles and some of his grandparents.  Part of me wants to stay away from these situations.  To shelter him from being excluded, to shelter him from feeling inadequate, to shelter him from the pain I feel for him.

I am disappointed tonight, I feel as if my efforts don't do much for his sake and frankly, I am tired of trying.  Now I understand why people I have befriended in the Autism community have distanced themselves from family functions.  I thought I would never feel the way they do, I was wrong.

It comes down to this, if you can't level with Gideon, then I don't want you around him.  He is unable to level with you, he has different abilities, different needs.  He is not oblivious to your expressions, he is not deaf, blind or unable to feel.  He is simply unable to communicate verbally his emotions and he is hypersensitive to sounds and lights.  He is not disabled, he is differently abled.   For thiu s reason I say this:  If you can't be here for him now, then you aren't welcome when he develops into someone who changes the world.  We don't need your approval now, and we won't want you then.

If when you are reading this, you question if this is about you, it probably is.  I am begging for you to TRY to act like you love him unconditionally like you say you do and treat him like you actually care about what he is interested in.  Ask him his favorite colors, teacher's name, if he goes to school and where, does he ride the bus and so on.  Because I am telling everyone, I am seriously getting to the point that I am perfectly okay with only being around the people I care to, the ones that TRY  to understand and that do include him.

First... Then... Last...

Ms. Morgan met me at the car today when I was dropping Gideon off.  She asked if I saw Gideon's book from yesterday.  Unfortunately, since I have been under the weather, I hadn't.  She was so proud of him.  She told me that he drew then pictures and told her the order that seeds grow.

I pulled over on the way home to look at the book she mentioned.  He had drawn a picture of seeds under the ground, then sprouts, then small plants and then a full plant with flowers.  It's so rewarding to see that he is grasping so many things!

This morning his Headstart teacher told me that when Gideon was drawing in his journal that she asked him what he was drawing.  He told her "I draw me, I draw me as a fireman when I grow up."  She asked him if he needs tools to be a fireman and he proceeded to say, "I have a hose with water, I have a coat with a tank, I have boots and pants and gloves.  I have a fire dog, I have a fire extinguisher, and I have cutters to cut through metal to help get people out."  She was so impressed that he had a whole plan of what he wanted to do.  She then told me that she is getting more out of my 'non-verbal' kiddo, than others that don't have the label developmental delay.

God is good, I really feel that he has a great plan for my Gideon.  I am so proud of him.  It was only 18 months ago that he was non-verbal, echolalic, and not processing simple commands.  What a difference these teachers have made in his life.  I am so grateful for the MDO for allowing my special needs child to attend, when they didn't have to.  To Ms. Angie for loving Gideon and connecting with him.  To Ms. Morgan and her aides, for being patient with Gideon and teaching him. Ms. Gray, the speech therapist, for understanding your specialty and thinking outside the box for Gideon, to the occupational therapist for making therapy fun for Gideon, so he can get better.  The Headstart teachers, Ms. Sandra, Ms. Dena and Ms. Maria, thank you for understanding that everyday is a new day with new challenges or milestones and thank you for having an open mind.

Some may think that this is their jobs, I don't feel that way.  I feel that they are getting paid for their calling.  God Bless you all!

Heart smiles

This morning upon taking Gideon to school there was a boy about his size there.  He was with his mother and they were bringing his sister to school.  I can see the haze of Autism on the little boys face, as he is studying the play tools.  Gideon walks up to him, they stand as if they are going to have a conversation.  No verbal exchanges take place.  Then the boy touches Gideon's tummy.  The boy is expressionless, I watch to see Gideon's reaction.  Gideon begins to laugh, then smiles and says, "I gonna tickle you!"  The boy stands there and looks at Gideon. 

The mother begins to apologize and explain, I said to her, "I don't want to be rude, but your apology isn't necessary.  Your son did nothing wrong, he is a child and learning how to socialize just as my son is.  My son struggles with socialization and appropriate language.  He was non-verbal until about a year ago.  I understand how you feel, but please know, just like the day you held the door for me when Gideon was having a meltdown, you didn't judge me.  I don't judge you or your son."

She smiled and said, "Oh thank you."  She proceeded to tell me that the day she saw me carrying Gideon is and I was almost shaking, that she knows how embarrassing it is.  On that day, Gideon pounced on me while I was driving on a highway and grabbed the wheel to get into my lap.  I believe that it was only by a miracle that we didn't hit oncoming traffic or roll the car.  I was so scared, I was afraid for what happened and afraid for what was happening in my Gideon.  Was this permanent?  Thankfully, he was ill and after antibiotics he was fine.  Other Autism Moms know these thoughts, they understand the juggling of illness vs. use of antibiotics.

It was nice to be able to reciprocate compassion to someone.  Little gestures go a long way.  When you see a family struggling, offer to hold a door, help a Mom load groceries in her van, or just extend a genuine smile.  The little things keep me sane on some days.

The sun always come out after the rain, but sometimes it rains for awhile.

We went to Gideon's parent-teacher conference last week.  There is no doubt that his special ed teacher loves him.  She smiled everytime she said his name, her eyes twinkled when she talked about being so impressed that he is having intelligble conversations with her and the aides, she was excited for him that he is playing soccer and talks about doing things with his Daddy.  All of these I look for, all of these I pray for in a person who is responsible for the few people that I cherish more than myself.  As we talked about his gains, there was a looming 'what's coming?' feeling in my gut.

About 15 minutes in, it came...  Previously, the expectation was that Gideon would catch up to his peers in language and other areas of development and be in 'normal' classes after.  Now, his teacher is recommending that he go to regular kindergarten, have an IEP written for occupational therapy needs, continued speech therapy to work on processing language and go the resource room for a time every day.  She doesn't feel that he needs a paraprofessional, but that he does need a regular 'break' from the usual atmosphere.

I am glad that Gideon has people in his life that are able to help him get the most out of his days at school.  However, I am sad that he is still behind his peers.  I have people trying to tell me to cheer up and be grateful for what I have.  I feel like I am, I feel like the majority of the time I am strong and I fulfill my obligation to be parent, educator, cheerleader of my kids.  For now, I think I just need some time.  I need some time to process MY feelings, grieve MY loss in expectations, and search for MY path to move forward.

So, if you have advice to give.  Please save it.  We can talk another time.  I don't need reaffirmation either.  I just need to get back to life in a regular routine and deal in the best way I know how.

Mama's ill, you're on your own

Gavin asks, "What's for dinner?"  I say, "Whatever you can find/make, I am too nauseated to cook."  Gav responds, "I am too lazy."  Then Gideon chimes in, "And I am too perfect!"

I don't think my kids lack self confidence!  LOL

The 'truth' hurts

So, I was eavesdropping on Gideon and Gavin playing.  They were playing with blocks, leggos, and little men.  Gideon bumped his head and wanted Gavin to console him.  So, Gavin did what any big brother would do, he hugged him.  Then he told Gideon, "I love you."  Gideon responded, "I don't love you, I love Mommy."

Gavin came to me and told me what Gideon said, I just told him that he too will inherent my awesomeness and others will love him the same. (Jokingly)  He was concerned that Gideon didn't know that he could love more than one person.  I never thought about it like that.  I know autists have difficulty showing feelings, but I never thought about them not realizing they have feelings for someone or something.  I told Gideon that Mommy loves Daddy, Gavin, him, Gunnar, and Gia.  That I love my Dad and Mom and extended family.  It became a game and he started randomly naming people.

I don't struggle with the PT/OT part of his recovery.  However, the social aspect is harder for me.  How do I tell someone how to FEEL?  I am puzzled by this.  I am trying to ask him questions like, "Did you have fun at school, did you like it?  Did you like this (showing items he did at school) activity?  Which was better?" and I could go on and on. 

I am grateful for his speech development and he seems to be getting less agitated by sounds.  He is speaking full sentences.  He asks questions that don't pertain to him, like "Where's my brudder?"  He is making progress but still has a lot more work to do.

Labor of Love

Work this weekend was more stressful than usual.  It's funny that I love to flex my nursing muscle but hate to deal with the personnel issues that my job entails.  I couldn't wait to get to my days off.  I received a text from my mother-in-law that Gideon had pink eye Saturday night.  Then, Sunday morning, Gavin texted that he didn't feel well.  After a particularly stressful night, I wasn't looking forward to being up for more than 20 hours after having about 4 hours of daytime sleep Saturday.  I prayed that God kept us all safe while I drove and that the kids would cooperate.

I picked up Gavin and Gideon and went to the Access Medical Center by our house.  I was so relieved to get the P.A. that we did.  She was knowledgable about Autism, and P.A.N.D.A.  She understood my request that since Gavin had Strep to treat Gideon.  She knew that he would experience regression and other issues.  Gideon has pink eye and he is not happy about it.  This morning, when his eye was matted shut he asked to go to the hospital and then asked to get back in my tummy.  This was funny to me, because when I am stressed about home stuff, I will jokingly ask to move back home with my parents.

Today has been busy, from disinfecting the house, to doing laundry, to holding fighting Gideon down to put drops in his eye, it's been busy.  Gunnar is demanding attention at every turn.  I am unsure if he isn't feeling well or if having the other two home is infringing on his time with me.  Even with all that, this is where I want to be.  As busy as it is, I would rather work my butt off with these three than be ANYWHERE else. 

I love my profession, my hours at work and the "break" I get from home but being able to be here, with my G's is the most precious time I can have.  I hope someday, when my G's become daddy's, that they will get to spend time with their children like I have.

Gideon's Army

When we were pregnant with Gideon, Nick and I decided to name him after Gideon in the Bible.  The Gideon in the Bible was strong, stong-willed and had the ability to move people to stand for what was right and battle.  We wanted our child to have these traits and more.

When we realized that he was having difficulties in development, we didn't know where to begin.  We called Soonerstart, they helped Gideon with walking.  Then, we moved on to Speech Therapy and that is when my fears were realized.  I have always known he was intelligent, because he could take apart my vaccuum at 15 months.  He has been able to open medicine bottles since I can remember and he built things with detail.  I had the thought of Autism in my mind but most of the kiddos I read about developed normally until 18 months or so.  My Gid hadn't developed normally, he wasn't reaching milestones, and regardless of all the well intentioned people trying to convince me that he was okay, I knew better.

When I took him for a well-child check and his pediatrician blurted out, "He's acting autistic!" I wanted to say, "Duh!"  However, that would not be appropriate.  My response to him was, "Okay, now what?"  I called my friend who has a child on the spectrum and since she has mentored me.  She has prepared me for the IEP meetings and gives me support.  She helps me understand what I am dealing with and up against.  I learn a lot from her and do my own research.  Knowledge is power and having a support system is imperitive for the days when I just don't know if I can do this anymore.  Some days, I am a great Mom/Advocate/Therapist, others, I am not as good.

What I want people to know is I am an ordinary Mom put in an extraordinary circumstance.  I don't always know what to do, how to react, where to go.  I try, I try real hard.  I pray, sometimes I think does God really care that I am upset that Gideon is reciting his WHOLE day verbally and it makes me anxious because I feel he might be turning a new stone in Autism, one that I don't know what to do.  Yes, I am thankful that he is talking, but I don't understand Echolalia.

I want people to realize that just because my son is handsome and smart, that he has issues he is working very hard on.  He is working on social skills, emotional skills, speech and trying to take in as much of his enviroment all at one time.  Please be understanding.  There are days I would love to wear a sign that identifies us so people in public wouldn't be so mean as to stare, make rude comments or worse, call the police because I had to remove a screeching maniac (that weighs half as much as I do) from the store.

I am so excited about the upcoming Piece Walk.  I designed t-shirts for Gideon's Army. Gideon's Army refers to the people that have prayed and do pray for Gideon's development.  I want to take this opportunity to spread awareness and honor the progress Gideon has made in the last year and a half. 

I hope you all can join us May 5th at the AT&T Bricktown Ballpark at 0830.  If not, you can support our team by donation or buying a t-shirt (adult sizes only).  The shirts are $20 ea.  I will post a pic of the proof for the shirt.

Roller Skating Justin

Last weekend we had Gavin's 11th birthday party.  He chose to have a skate party.  This type of party is hard to entertain the little G's and also include them at the same time.  Thank goodness the grandparents came so we could enjoy ourselves and make sure the lil G's were cared for.

When we got there the lil G's wanted to attempt to skate.  We put little skates on the two of them.  Gunnar was not into it AT ALL.  Gideon, however, was a little more daring with skating.  A friend of mine came to the party, Justin had worked at a skate rink when he was younger and I had no idea he was so good at it.  Justin and me held Gideon's hands and skated him around the rink.  Then, Justin took Gideon by himself and Gideon did quite well.  Soon after, Gideon lost interest and the party carried on.

Last night before going to bed, Gideon put his hands on either side of my face (a way to tell me to give full attention) and said, "What Justin doing?"  I said, "Justin?"  "Who's Justin?"  He said, "Roller skating Justin, I want to talk to him."  So, we called Justin and Gideon froze up while talking to him with a huge grin on his face.  It was as if he was talking to a celebrity.  Justin was so sweet and talked to Gideon and once they hung up Gideon said, "Roller skating Justin is cool."

You never know who, what, or where someone will make a difference.  Thank you Roller Skating Justin, I am glad you came to the party and you have a friend for life in me and Gideon.

Breakfast of Champions

Typical weekday morning when Gun doesn't go to Mother's Day Out consists of; getting up at 645, making sure Gavin gets ready for school (teeth brushed, deodorant on, hair washed and combed, etc) and on the bus.  Then I wake Gideon, dress him while he is still asleep for the most part and put him in car.  Both of them eat breakfast at school.  When Gunnar and I get home my first question is, "What do you want to eat?"  On this morning, he goes to the fridge, holds the door open and looks inside, "Ummmmmm, no, no, no, no, no."  In a sweet tone.  Then he goes to the pantry, "Ummm, no, no, no, no, no."  This time pointing at items as he looks at everything.

I start suggesting "How about oatmeal? Cereal? Eggs? Waffles?"  "No, dank you."  I make my morning shake and tell him.  "You need to decide, I am going to start workout after I put this in the fridge."  He says, "O-tay."

Before pushing play on my workout DVD, I say, "Okay Gun, last chance, what are you going to eat?"  He just smiles and nods no to me.

So, I push play to start my workout, he won't starve in an hour.  I am about 35 minutes into my workout and in walks in Mr. Gun, with a can of corn.

I am breathing hard, "Gun, you want corn? Really?"  He nods yes, "Uh-huh!"  I tell him to wait until the water break and warm his corn in the microwave.  As the bowl of corn turns on the turntable, I think "What kind of Mom serves a can of corn for breakfast?  Cornflakes, are they really made from corn, that makes this better, right?  I really shouldn't give him this many options, he's only 2.  Didn't I learn that corn has almost NO nutritional value in school?"

The microwave timer rings and he runs in, "I need a poon."  I reluctantly give Gunnar corn for breakfast.  He ate the WHOLE can.  I offered other foods after and he said no.  For lunch he ate broccili and rice, I felt a better about his intake at that point...

The moral to this story, I pick my battles.  Even with the adorable, curly headed, opinionated, out spoken 2 year old.  He is healthy, a can of corn for breakfast once in a while won't hurt him.  It's better than me forcing him to eat what I want him to and then he pout, smack the bowl of whatever on the floor, me get mad, yell, spank then spend 15 minutes of my busy day cleaning up a mess and compromise my workout time.  I think corn for breakfast this day was win-win.  He was given the opportunity to choose, he did and he ate breakfast.  I won because I got all my workout in, no extra attitudes, no extra mess.  Corn, anybody?

Special Delivery

My kids LOVE to receive parcels from UPS.  The majority of the time it's Scentsy shipments for parties that I have to sticker/organize/ and distribute.  The kids are my assistants in this task.  They do most of the stickering (also applying stickers to their clothes, faces).

Yesterday afternoon, the doorbell rang, Gunnar (who is usually naked when we are at home) runs towards the door.  Gavin goes after him and I am slowly following.  Gunnar throws open the door, lays on the box and yells, "DANK YOU!" to the UPS man.

The UPS man waved and smiled.

It was such a cute sight and made us laugh for awhile! 

Little steps to independance

I remember when I only had one boy and I had to be with him every instant in a dentist office, or wherever.  Now that he's 11, and I want him to learn independance, I am trying to back off a bit and not hover over him.  The drawback to that is the other two, who are much younger think that they should be allowed to have this "freedom."

I took Gavin to the dentist yesterday.  He got to do the whole appointment by himself and I was completely okay with that.  I know he's not going to run out the front door impulsively.

Today, I took Gideon.  We waited in the Game Room for his name to be called.  An assistant called his name and we both stood up.  He looked at me as if he was saying, "I got this."  So, I followed very slowly.  When he sat it the chair for his x-rays I peeked around the corner at him.  I was able to catch the assistant's attention and mimed, "I am going back there, if you have problems let me know."  She said, "Okay."  I went back to the Game Room and within minutes he was bouncing back into my arms.  The assistant came in and said that she told him they were done and he ran back to me.  She was smiling and also said that she wanted to be sure he made it back to me, as another assistant will come back to get him for his cleaning.  I told her that I was hanging around because he has Autism and can be REAL IMPULSIVE and VERY LITERAL.

The next assistant came and got him.  I mentioned to her before she left with him that he has Autism and he likes it when you count as you brush his teeth.  About 15 minutes later Dr. Brackett comes to me and reports no cavities and adequate tooth health.  They said he laid in the chair for his cleaning and let Dr. Brackett look around his mouth with no issues.

Gideon was so proud of himself.  When he got his prize for being good, he asked to get Gunnar one and Dr. Brackett let him.  That made Gideon really happy.  I don't know if he was more happy about showing Gunnar that he got a prize or actually sharing the prize.

I guess I am learning that independance is developed, not by the child sleeping alone from birth, not from playing organized sports, but by giving the opportunities to succeed at little things and being reassured that they are not alone.  These G's should know, they'll never be alone.

S'not funny (Not for the weak stomachs)

So, recently Gunnar has decided that he wants to sit in the seat with a seat belt (probably because I did this when he wet his carseat).  In my family, with me being a nurse there's some things I will not tolerate for health reasons.  Nick will not tolerate any deviation from safety in the cars, because of what he sees being a fireman.  I was in a rush to take Gideon to the second school and Gunnar was throwing a tantrum because he was being wishy-washy about which shoes, socks and pants he wanted to wear.  So, I mama-handled him to get pants on and carried him out the door crying and fighting me. 

I put him in his carseat and wrestled him down to get it fastened.  As I drove, he cried, kicked and spit.  Then I heard him blowing his nose.  Gideon started yelling, "Gunnar, stop you dross!"  I looked in the back and he had blow his nose repeatedly so much that it was hanging from his chin.  When we got to the school, I wiped his nose/face and told him how gross he was, he laughed.

Where does a child learn to be so gross?

Reminiscing

Today with my Gideon not feeling great, I remembered one time when Gavin didn't feel great but wasn't sick enough to lie in bed all day.  I was sending him to school, as I was getting him ready he said to me, "Just so you know, I am going to the school NURSE and she is going to send me home."  I still laugh when I think about how serious he was about going over my head to the school nurse.  I told him that I am a nurse too and I say he goes to school and he was persistent about going to the school nurse.  He went, she called and said he saw her but she agreed that he could stay at school.

Gideon was acting strange this morning.  He kept putting his hands around his eyes and repeating me.  I opted to keep him home and give him some Tylenol and Mucinex.  Since the medication, he seems to feel better.  I hope he isn't developing his skills in playing hookie.  He's told me everyday since being sent home from Headstart that he's "SICK."  When I am taking him to school.

Words with Aunt Chelsie

My sister sends me a text with a picture.  Her message is:  "Look what your son played in 'Hanging with Friends' ( a game kinda like Hangman).

I look at the picture... Squint my eyes... BONER

His Daddy will be so proud!

And the award goes to...

So, today has been a wonderful day.  Gavin turned 11 today and I had planned pazookies with our family and neighbors.  His party with his friends is next week.  With that being said, I had to bake cookies, get the house ready for company and buy condiments for the pazookies.  After the kids' school, Gavin had choir, then had about an hour until guitar lessons.  Just like any other busy day, we looked up and time was running out.  The lil G's begged to go with me to guitar.  I haven't seen Gavin in a lesson but since Nick was trying to cook and he only got about 3 hours of sleep today, I took the G's with me. 
First mistake, forgot Gunnar's shoes... Second mistake, didn't take a potty break.  Third mistake, dared my 2 year old who is already defiant to pee in his pants.  To my defense there are often times that once I put him in the carseat, he says the magic "I got to go potty" to be let out and then he runs away laughing or he starts climbing all over the three rows in my car laughing because I can't catch him between the carseats and his small stature.  So, when he yelled, "I. NEED. TO. PEE!" and threw a toy at me, I said, "No you don't, you always say that and then you bolt."  He responded with, "NOW!" 

Unfortunately, he has played this card too often and I thought he was crying wolf.  The next thing he said, "YAY, I WENT PEE IN MY SEAT!"  I asked, "Gunnar, did you really pee?  Are you wet?"  He said, "Yep," with a HUGE grin on his face.  The next thing I know, Gideon is holding himself, "I need to go Mommy, I need to go!"  I grabbed a cup and told him to pee in the cup, as I took Gunnar's clothes off.  While putting on a dry diaper (because I didn't have anymore undies in my car), he said, "I toe you."

The worst part of this whole scenario is, I couldn't set him in a wet carseat to drive home.  He had to ride in a seatbelt on the way home and thankfully nothing happened.

So, today, I will accept the Mother of the Year Award.  I would like to dedicate it to the Mom's who think THEY would NEVER do the things their parents did.  The mothers who think their house will NEVER look like a daycare.  And mostly to the moms that think their kids are the best behaved beings that walk.  You too will walk in my shoes one day, and when you do, just laugh.  If you don't, you will probably cry.

We came home with 20 minutes before the pazookies.  They were a hit.  The kids ran around, while the adults talked and had a good time.  Thank God for Gavin, for teaching me patience and that this time is short and to enjoy it.

Naked warrior with a toilet bowl brush!

I walk outside to get Gideon off the bus.  I take note that Gunnar is fully clothed, Gavin is sitting on the couch before I walk outside where it's about 38 degrees.  Gideon steps off the bus and into my arms.  I look over my shoulder and Gunnar runs out, naked as the day he was born holding the toilet bowl scrub brush.  He runs around the whole yard, yelling the whole time, "AHHHHHHHHH, IT'S TOLD!"  The dog is also running around the yard like mad.  The busdriver laughs, "You got yourself a streaker there..." 

Where on earth did this kid think to do this in a matter of seconds?

Fighting for what Gideon needs...not forgetting the others

I took my friend's advice.  I cried and cried the first day.  I called a counselor so I could have someone to talk to that didn't share my frustrations as prayer requests or excuses for me being sharp with them.  I  started seeing the counselor because I could no longer take full, leisurely breaths.  Shallow breaths, with a tight chest is what I would do. I would smile and push through the day.  Lay in bed at night crying quietly, praying that my Gideon would be okay.  I would say to God, "This was the one I did EVERYTHING right.  I took my vitamins, I slept, ate well, I didn't drink coke, except one on the nights I worked, I nursed him for 15 mo., he didn't go to daycare, I didn't drink a single alcholic bevee rage, I exercised, I was married, sigh..."  My prayers were more of a time for me to feel sorry for myself since during daylight hours I was busy being busy.  I was taking classes to advance my career, and caring for two busy bodies.

The counselor was great, she helped me learn how to trust others to help me and just by talking about my feelings I felt better.  I think all Moms should be entitled to a counselor because there's days that just getting the kids off to school is equal in effort to a day of work, and then you have the rest of the day to contend with.

The first testing with the school didn't go well.  The speech therapist called Gideon "Oppositional."  This kept him from 3 months of therapy, that he DID qualify for.  I had to nicely call the School System back twice a day, telling Gideon's WHOLE story to the person that answered the phone BEFORE allowing them to transfer me to the counselor's voicemail.  After four days and 7 phone calls, they scheduled him to be followed by the school psychologist and testing to be redone by the psychologist, psychomotrist, a and different speech therapist.  Once the psychologist followed him, she told me that my concerns are accurate and he is on the Autism Spectrum.  I thought that I wanted confirmation, I don't know what I wanted.  I guess I really hadn't thought that far.  The good thing was, he got into a Developmental Delay class with an awesome teacher, where he would receive speech therapy and occupational therapy.  At this time, Gideon repeated what you said, and couldn't answer ANY questions.  Not "How old are you, what's your name" any of the questions a three year old answers.  He needed to be with professionals.

In the meantime, Gunnar is growing up, trying to keep up with his brothers.  He is fearless, talking ALL THE TIME.  He is so cute and his mannerisms remind me so much of my husband.  He's like Nick's mini-me.  He uses his cuteness to get his way, and unfortunately I think it's adorable! 

Gavin is growing up to be a pre-teen.  The kid has a heart of gold.  He is so compassionate and just a good kid.  He is conscientious and helps me SO MUCH with the other two.

So, I guess that brings you up to speed (for the most part).  Now it's on to the daily funnies that the kids do.  There could be some humor that might be offensive to some, just remember that there are days that if I don't laugh, I will cry.  Enjoy!

Not MY plan, but a plan

So, we find out we are pregnant.  This time feels better than the miscarriage time, more like the first.  I endured the ever so expected morning sickness, however was able to continue working 48 hours/wk.  I had extra monetary incentive and with a baby on the way, a Mama has to do what a Mama has to do, to get that designer stroller and stuff you think you need.  In the middle of the pregnancy, after viability has been confirmed, I tell my bestfriend "Something is wrong with him."  "I don't know what, cleft palate, cleft lip, Down's, something."  She was the only one I could confide my irrational thoughts because I had driven everyone insane after losing the baby before.  I looked at him weekly with an ultrasound machine at work.  I would study him, his heart, his vertebrae, his brain, legs, face, hands... I would look for characteristics of Down's, anything out of the oridinary.  Nothing seemed to show.  We went for a 3D/4D ultrasound and the technician combed over his body the best she could.  Nothing SEEMED to be wrong.

Gideon comes into the world after a short but painful labor.  I still think I should get my money back since my epidural didn't take and they didn't offer anything more... Nick changes all of the diapers the first 35 hours.  HE'S NO ROOKIE!  Around the 36 hour, I find an issue.  The butt crack seems long and deep at the top.  NURSE! GET YOUR A$$ IN HERE AND EXPLAIN WHY NOBODY MENTIONED THIS!  My husband, doesn't understand my freakout session.  All I can think is "meningocele."  I am on the ceiling and NOBODY can bring me down.   Abby calls the next day and I tell her that I was told he has a "Sacral dimple" and it's usually no big deal, but if it's tethered then there's reason to be concerned.  UMMMMM, did I mention they can't tell it's tethered until they do an MRI under anesthesia?  Abby asks, "Is this IT?"  I know what she is asking, and my answer is, "No.  I am afraid, not."

I see slow development in smiling, but he does smile.  He rolls on time.  Then he just keeps rolling, 12 months and this gigantic baby is rolling as transportation around the house.  I know this isn't normal, well-intentioned people try to reassure me.  At 15 months, physical therapists start working with him. (He is   crawling at this point)  He is tortured at first, he doesn't want to learn to walk, he wants to continue to play on his knees.  I am asked what are you goals?  I tell them that he needs to be walking by 22 months, as we are unexpectedly expecting another.  They acted as if I was unreasonable with my goal making.  They didn't know who they working with.

As I get bigger, I struggle to "pt"  (physical therapy) Gideon.  I did it though.  Being pregnant with Gunnar was fun.  I was thrilled to have another surprise, but worried about Gid.  Would he get shoved aside when the baby came?  What would happen to his therapy, could I keep up?  What do people do?  I had to come to grips that everything will be okay, it won't be anybody else's way but my own.

Gunnar is born!  The biggest of our babies yet!  He was already chunky at birth.  When I would nurse him, Gideon would climb on the counter, turn on the water and flood the kitchen.  He was so fast!  I had to learn to put him on lockdown in his room with two baby gates stacked, that way he couldn't climb over it.  The little smarty learned that if he laid on the floor and kicked he could kick it out eventually or pull on it and it would come out.  Thankfully, he also learned that flooding the kitchen did not earn brownie points.  I kept thinking, he should be talking, if he was talking he could say the cute thingsu kids say about little siblings like "Send him back."  He didn't though.  He would just stare at me, or through me.  I wasn't sure.  When airplanes flew over he would cover his ears and screech like hell.  He had a speech therapist and I asked her if she thought he had Autism.  She answered, "I don't know."  Code for-I am no Dr. but my opinion is yes.  I call Abby, and say, "I found IT. I know what IT is."  I tell her and she responds, "How do you know?"  "Because, I just know."

The 3 year old check up didn't go well.  Gideon was everywhere except where he was supposed to be.  He was screeching and flapping his arms (I hadn't noticed it before.)  The pediatrician says, "Call your school system he needs tested, he is acting Autistic."  I called a friend from work, who is working to cure her son's Autism.  She gave me the single most valuable advice:  "Cry today, cry for him not being normal.  Cry because you are scared.  He isn't dead, so tomorrow, get up and do what needs to be done for Gideon."

I had NO IDEA

I remember staring down at my son Gavin about 11 years ago and thinking, "What in the heck am I supposed to do now?"  Although my pregnancy wasn't the whole 'What to Expect When Your're Expecting,' I was happy.  I had a new son, a dedicated boyfriend, family, friends -or so I thought, but something didn't click.  I was struggling with how do I juggle this and work and oh my gah!  How am I supposed to finish school?!  I had completed my basics in college and didn't plan on a major life chang in those years.
I worked for a Dr. who one day pulled me inside his office and told me that he believed I could do whatever I put my mind to.  He was impressed with my work ethic, living with my convictions and just knew it that I could do something if I put my mind to it.  I made a job change to afford daycare, I worked as a legal assistnant and absolutely hated it.  Worked with some of the worst group of women, I never (not even in high school) had dealt with anybody as catty, mean and hateful.  I try not to harbor hatred, but even typing this puts a nasty taste in my mouth.  Then I got an opportunity that changed my life forever.  I went to work for a Third Party Adminstrator, it was a family business (not mine) and I was the youngest employee there.  I love those people!  The antics the sons would do and the drama was entertaining to say the least.  They y paid for my insurance and allowed me to pre-tax Gavin's.  Before long, they were encouraging me to go back to school to be a nurse.  I listened.
We got married when Gavin was 17 months old, had to make sure he was worth marrying.  :)
THANK GOD FOR SPONGEBOB!  I wouldn't have made it through nursing school without him.  Nick was working a lot and that doesn't leave much time for a Mom to work at least 30 hours a week and go to school and then study on top of that!  The Grandmothers took Gavin one night a week, HUGE BLESSING. 
I made it through school and started working as a RN.  It was great, work 3 long days/wk and then have 4 off!  We decided to try for another baby.  We were surprised when we miscarried around week 13.  That was the lowest time in my life.  I truly believe that they're was an assault on my spirit one day, I actually had a suicidal thought.   What snapped me out of it is seeing a pic of Gavin on the wall with his blue eyes.  I looked around our house and remembered the hardwork Nick and I put into it to build memories. I prayed for help and it went away.  I called a good friend, she came over and I told her what I had thought and she just grabbed me and hugged.  I am not a hugger but when I backed away, I realized that she had no words, just tears and she didn't know what to say.  Saying out IT loud my sounded so odd to me, I  actually thought for a split second my pain would end if I did this?
For months and months we tried.  I used conception monitoring devices, and measuring.  It became more scientific than anything.  Nick was traveling a lot during this time and I was working 4 nights/wk.  I would call him and say, "I need a deposit."  We would laugh, but the truth is, I thought a new pregnancy would heal the pain from the lost one.  I learned later, I was wrong.  I was going to accupuncture and took a pregnancy test before I got into the shower.  I got out and low and behold, TWO PINK LINES!  The ones you pray not to have when you are just dating someone and having fun.  They were bold, they were beautiful, and we were going to have our second son!
-to be continued-