I had NO IDEA

I remember staring down at my son Gavin about 11 years ago and thinking, "What in the heck am I supposed to do now?"  Although my pregnancy wasn't the whole 'What to Expect When Your're Expecting,' I was happy.  I had a new son, a dedicated boyfriend, family, friends -or so I thought, but something didn't click.  I was struggling with how do I juggle this and work and oh my gah!  How am I supposed to finish school?!  I had completed my basics in college and didn't plan on a major life chang in those years.
I worked for a Dr. who one day pulled me inside his office and told me that he believed I could do whatever I put my mind to.  He was impressed with my work ethic, living with my convictions and just knew it that I could do something if I put my mind to it.  I made a job change to afford daycare, I worked as a legal assistnant and absolutely hated it.  Worked with some of the worst group of women, I never (not even in high school) had dealt with anybody as catty, mean and hateful.  I try not to harbor hatred, but even typing this puts a nasty taste in my mouth.  Then I got an opportunity that changed my life forever.  I went to work for a Third Party Adminstrator, it was a family business (not mine) and I was the youngest employee there.  I love those people!  The antics the sons would do and the drama was entertaining to say the least.  They y paid for my insurance and allowed me to pre-tax Gavin's.  Before long, they were encouraging me to go back to school to be a nurse.  I listened.
We got married when Gavin was 17 months old, had to make sure he was worth marrying.  :)
THANK GOD FOR SPONGEBOB!  I wouldn't have made it through nursing school without him.  Nick was working a lot and that doesn't leave much time for a Mom to work at least 30 hours a week and go to school and then study on top of that!  The Grandmothers took Gavin one night a week, HUGE BLESSING. 
I made it through school and started working as a RN.  It was great, work 3 long days/wk and then have 4 off!  We decided to try for another baby.  We were surprised when we miscarried around week 13.  That was the lowest time in my life.  I truly believe that they're was an assault on my spirit one day, I actually had a suicidal thought.   What snapped me out of it is seeing a pic of Gavin on the wall with his blue eyes.  I looked around our house and remembered the hardwork Nick and I put into it to build memories. I prayed for help and it went away.  I called a good friend, she came over and I told her what I had thought and she just grabbed me and hugged.  I am not a hugger but when I backed away, I realized that she had no words, just tears and she didn't know what to say.  Saying out IT loud my sounded so odd to me, I  actually thought for a split second my pain would end if I did this?
For months and months we tried.  I used conception monitoring devices, and measuring.  It became more scientific than anything.  Nick was traveling a lot during this time and I was working 4 nights/wk.  I would call him and say, "I need a deposit."  We would laugh, but the truth is, I thought a new pregnancy would heal the pain from the lost one.  I learned later, I was wrong.  I was going to accupuncture and took a pregnancy test before I got into the shower.  I got out and low and behold, TWO PINK LINES!  The ones you pray not to have when you are just dating someone and having fun.  They were bold, they were beautiful, and we were going to have our second son!
-to be continued-